Everything is Complicated
by dirksies
Summary: A short oneshot/parody/crossover written for a class. Bilbo has just settled down after "The Hobbit" when some new guests arrive at his door.


A/N: Wow, it's been awhile since I posted anything. Here is a quick oneshot/parody of "The Hobbit" written for my Creative Writing class. Note: I am by no means a J.R.R. Tolkien scholar, so don't kill me, rabid fans. This is also my first attempt at a parody, so be warned.

Disclaimer: All general disclaimer rules apply. Nothing is mine!

In Which Everything is Much More Complicated Then it Needs to Be

Bilbo was once a respectable hobbit; that of course had been before he had been dragged around the countryside on a quest to return a clan of homeless dwarves to, well, their home. He had only recently returned and was expecting a peaceful vacation from all the adventuring; where he could spend some time creating delicate smoke rings with his pipe outside his hole looking over the Shire, or talking to his neighbors who still thought he should be dead, or reading a new book in his very large chair next to the fire whilst munching on sweet biscuits and sipping tea, or perhaps eating a multi-course meal involving five kinds of meat –in no particular order: chicken, goose, duck, cow, and fish—, nine different types of bread, six varieties of fruit and vegetables, and some fine Tookish wine to go with it. Really, he enjoyed the simple things in life.

Suddenly a rap on his little green door broke into his consciousness, interrupting his planning for the afternoon. He walked over to his door, large hobbit feet slapping the ground as he reached it, turning the handle and opening it to reveal a tall man, and not just any man, Bilbo noticed, letting out a groan, but the wizard Gandalf.

"I have another adventure for you, Bilbo," said Gandalf, smiling down cheekily at the hobbit.

"Splendid," said Bilbo, plastering a smile to his face.

"And I think you are completely suited for it," said Gandalf, leaning on his staff and continuing to talk as if had not heard Bilbo's comment. "Even though, since before a year ago, you had barely left your house, let alone the Shire, and the Discovery Channel was putting pressure on me to hire all the 'little people' I could find, I still believe you are the _only_ one able to do this job." Gandalf shrugged, not noticing the irritated look that now covered Bilbo's face. "So, are you going to invite me in?" he finished brightly.

Bilbo considered refusing, but being of impeccably good manners, he decided not to. Besides, if he did, there would be no story and how ridiculous would you feel for having read thus far and not actually seeing some point to the story? So, for the sake of the plot, Bilbo allowed Gandalf in, preparing a full vat of tea; if this was going to anything like the last adventure, there would be more guests arriving shortly.

Fortunately for Bilbo, instead of trickling in, in groups of twos or threes like last time, they came in a single file line, all seven of them, singing as they walked. Gandalf hummed along to the song, while Bilbo considered taking his magic ring, turning invisible and running away screaming. But, instead of following through with this plan, his good manners reined him in and he walked reluctantly back to his door as the words of the approaching group became clear.

"Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, to Bilbo's house we go!" they sang, whistling a happy tune after their chant and then continuing. "Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!" They repeated their ditty over and over again, drawing neighbors out of their houses to peer curiously at the group and then at Bilbo's house, slowly shaking their heads. Bilbo desperately desired to bang his head slowly against his lovely green door, but again, he did not follow his instincts, mostly because he liked his green door. Bilbo peered miserably back at Gandalf who offered a cheery smile and a wave, then slowly drained his cup of tea. Bilbo sighed, no help there, and warily opened his door for the second time that day.

"Well, hi there!" said the dwarf in front, who looked to be leader. He wore a red shirt and glasses, rosy cheeks highlighting his smile. "Are you Mr. Bilbo Baggins?"

"Unfortunately," muttered Bilbo.

"Sorry, I didn't hear what you said," said the dwarf, still beaming.

"Yes!" said Bilbo with false enthusiasm. "I am Bilbo Baggins, and you are?"

"I'm Doc, pleased to meet ya'!" said Doc, giving Bilbo's hand a firm shake and then walking into Bilbo's house. The other dwarves followed their leader; yelling, muttering, chuckling, grunting, or giggling their names according to their natures.

"Grumpy."

"Happy."

"Sleepy"

"Bashful."

"Sneezy."

"Dopey," though Dopey did not really say his name, just gestured wildly, so Bilbo called him "Michael Jackson".

The dwarves all got settled, forcing Bilbo to pull out all the stops in order to feed the lively bunch. His pantry was quickly emptied of bananas, and carrots, and horseradishes, and zucchinis, and butter pats, and grape juice, and spoiled bread, and narwhals, and lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large servings of chu-chee pla and anything else that was remotely edible. The feast continued long into the night with the dwarves singing many an irritating song and Bilbo's hands turning prune-y with all of the dishes he had to clean. He finally sat at the table, all of his food eaten, wondering why he let himself be such a doormat.

"I dare say we are ready to discuss business," said Gandalf, who had long ago pulled out his great pipe and was working merrily away at making everyone in the room receive second-hand smoke.

"Right you are, Gandalf," said Doc, patting his great belly and looking around the room until his eyes fell on Bilbo. "See, we have this problem. There's this girl…" he hardly began, but with this his voice trailed off, eyes becoming dreamy.

Bilbo cocked an eyebrow and looked around at the gathered dwarves; they all seemed to have the same expression. Bilbo's mind puttered to a stop, refusing to contemplate the road it was beginning to wander down. Finally realizing that Doc was not going to continue unless he said something, and not wanting to think about the awkward train of thought any longer, he prompted the dwarf, "And?"

"Well, she's very beautiful," said Doc, as if that explained everything. "But she has been put under an evil spell," he said, twiddling his fingers to demonstrate how the witch had cast the magic. "We don't have any idea how to free her, but we heard a story about a golden apple that when mashed into a stew and fed to someone who looks dead, it can bring them back to life."

Bilbo blinked.

"So will you help us?" yawned another dwarf, Bilbo assumed it was Sleepy.

"Well, I don't know," said Bilbo pleasantly enough. "Where is this golden apple supposed to be?"

"Oh it will be a very dangerous journey," said Grumpy. "Over the most dangerous mountains, through the most horrible forest, and into a cave guarded by an evil Squiggly-Wump is the only place where the Golden Tree that bears the golden apples resides."

Bilbo gasped for dramatic effect.

"Wait, wait, wait," said Bilbo, screeching everyone's wild imaginations to a halt. "Have you tried finding a handsome prince to kiss the girl yet?"

"A prince?" asked Doc. The question was echoed by everyone at the table. Michael Jackson flailed his arms and did a pelvic thrust.

"Yeah," said Bilbo, eager to not have to go on another adventure. "I know its cliché, but it's worth a shot."

The group muttered amongst themselves and then nodded as one. They stood up together and, muttering their good byes, left Bilbo's house and the Shire.

"Good work, Bilbo," said Gandalf, putting on his hat and leaving as well.

Bilbo finally could and did slowly bang his head against the table, muttering darkly to himself about wizards, dwarves, and quests.


End file.
